A man comes home extremely drunk with a sheep under his arm.

A man who recently visted the doctor was sitting around and waiting for a call with his results. After a few days he gets a call from the doctor. Sounding a bit frantic the doctor tells the man he has some bad news for him, and some worse news. The man says "Well, whats the bad news?" The doctor says "We ran your tests and you only have a day left to live..." The man, freaking out over this news begins yelling and cursing. After, he calms down enough to demand the worse news. There's a short pause on the phone and finally the doctor says "The worse news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

The bartender yells, "Hey! We don't like your type around here." So the rope sadly leaves the establishment. The rope stands in the alley for a few minutes before he builds up the courage to try again. He twists himself up and parts his hair before returning to the bar. The bartender looks suspectingly at the rope and says, "Wait a minute... aren't you that rope from before?" The rope replies, "No sir. I'm a frayed knot."

He was a 3704558

…I’m getting a lot of feedback.

...so she asked her mother. Her mother said, "No, sweetie, she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the girl. "Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?" her busy mother replied. So the girl went to her father in the garage and asked him, "I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she's in heat and to ask you about it." Her father took a clean rag, poured some 2-stroke lawnmower fuel on it, then gently rubbed the dog's tail and butt with it to disguise the scent. "Now you can take her for a walk," he said, "Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine." The little girl skipped happily away with Lulu trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returned with an empty leash, and no dog. Concerned, her dad asked, "Where’s Lulu, sweetie?" "She ran out of gas halfway around the block," his daughter told him, "So the neighbour's dog is giving her a push home."

He said "Because you're so bright". Honest to God he did this multiple times a week.

...at the end of Beautiful Day, Bono shushes the crowd and starts snapping his fingers into the microphone, "*snap*....*snap*.....*snap*...." The crowd quiets, "....*snap*.....*snap*..." Bono speaks into the mic, keeping the snapping of his fingers steady every second, "Every time I snap my fingers... *snap*...a child dies in Africa...*snap*..." Immediately from the crowd, a Scot bellows, "Then stop snapping ya fackin prick!"

Intrigued, the craftsman obliges, and sets to work making an exquisite puzzle box casket, which is buried the next day. Some time passes, and the two men cross paths again one day. The woodworker flags the widower down and says to him, "How've you been holding up?" The widower says, "Oh it's been terrible. I miss her cooking, her laugh, and most of all, I just want to have sex with her one more time!" The woodworker frowns and says, "I'm so sorry." And the man goes, "Don't be! I've been doing puzzle boxes for over twenty years and yours is the best I've ever tried!"

A family brought their life to a nursing home. They put the old lady in a comfortable chair in the garden and went to take care of the details. The lady started to lean to the right, but an attendant quickly approached and straightened her body. She leaned to the left, and another attendant quickly straightened her body. This happened a few times, until the family came back. They asked, "So, grandma, did you like the place?" She replied, "Look, everything is very nice, they are very polite, but for some reason, they don't let us fart at all."

He looks like a stereotypical grizzled old sea dog, with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch. It's a pretty slow day at the bar, without much custom other than the old pirate, so while the pirate is nursing a rum, the bartender walks up to him, polishing a glass, and making conversation. "Say, buddy," the bartender says. "I couldn't help noticing that you've seen your share. Do you mind if I ask how you lost that leg?" "Yarrr," says the pirate, "it be about 5 years ago. We were sailing to Curaçao, our ship's belly heavy with ill-gotten booty, when we were suddenly set upon by the great pirate Greenbeard. With blood in their eyes and knives clenched between their teeth, Greenbeard's men swung onto our deck and a wild melee erupted. Amidst the confusion and the sounds of blades hitting blades and men screaming and dying, I somehow found myself in single combat against the dastardly villain himself. We battled sword against sword for what felt like hours until the scallywag slipped past my guard and cut into my leg, deep to the bone. I screamed and started to fall to the deck, but as I fell, I desperately thrust my sword and scored a lucky hit to Greenbeard's throat, and right after I hit the deck, Greenbeard hit the deck right next to me, coughing and choking on his own blood. I was lying in unbearable agony, but Greenbeard was dead. His men lost heart while our men rallied and drove the bastards over the rails and into the sea. We made it to port with all our treasure, but my leg was beyond saving." "Wow," says the bartender, "That's a really impressive story. And how about that hook? How did you lose that hand?" "Yarrr, that was from a couple of seasons ago. We were sailing the Caribbean under crystal clear blue skies, when our crow's nest alerted us to the very beginning of dark clouds on the horizon. I immediately ordered the ship turned around, but the storm continue to build behind us until the entire horizon was dark with menacing clouds from end to end. Despite our desperate efforts, the storm caught up with us and the rain was pouring down so hard that the sky was more water than air. I barked orders at the men, shouting to be heard over the storm, ordering the hatches battened and the crew below decks. As Captain, It was my duty to be the last to escape to safety, supervising and ensuring that every member of my crew was safe. Just as the last man got safely below deck, I heard the most horrible groaning and creaking sound, and when I looked up, the main mast was coming down right above me. I jumped out of the way as fast as I could, but the heavy mast crushed my hand. We saved the ship and every living soul aboard her, but there was nothing that could be done about my hand other than to amputate it." "Again, wow," says the bartender. "That is one hell of a story. So what's the deal with the seyepatch?" "Yarrr, a bird shat in me eye." "A bird shat in your eye? Eww. That's not nearly as interesting a story as the other two. Besides, while that's disgusting, I don't see why it should cause you to lose the eye." "Yarrr, but it was me first day with the hook!"